Introduction

 

Everyone looks at it from time to time. Themselves. In the mirror. Or in a photograph. But what we see when we look at ourselves is different for everyone. And what others see when they look at us is often different as well. Who I am to myself is not who I am to another, but I am who I am. Confusing, right? According to researchers, there is a reason we present ourselves in different ways to different audiences. How your parents see you can often be completely different from how we are seen, or want to be seen, by our friends. And even that can be different from how we portray ourselves to the outside world, to strangers. Especially with social media, we have more and more control over the image of ourselves we share. And how we share those images.

The goal of this paper is to find an answer to the question why. Why are we who we are and how is our (self)identity formed and altered? With the use of academic papers and past research, I am taking a look behind the scenes. Jana is very active on Instagram. She posts almost on a daily basis. Femmie, on the other hand, hardly ever shares new posts on her Instagram. When she does post something, it is of, or with, her pets. Is there a difference in how they see themselves, are seen by others and how they think they’re seen by others? Through interviews with those two individuals and a person close to them, I try to find answers to the above questions.

 

 

Theory

Mirror mirror on the wall

Self-identity can be defined as “the perception or recognition of one's characteristics as a particular individual, especially in relation to social context” (Oxford University Press, 2020). Merriam-Webster defines the concept as “the sameness of a thing with itself” (“self-identity”, n.d.). Self-identity is often also referred to as one’s self-concept. It captures a collection “of beliefs about oneself” (“self-concept”, n.d.). Psychologist Carl Rogers (1959) proposed that self-concept encompasses three parts: self-image, self-esteem, and the ideal self (McLeod, 2008; Mishra, 2016). Self-image refers to the way one views themselves, whereas self-esteem is the term to describe the extent to which one values themselves (McLeod, 2008; Mishra, 2016). The ideal self denotes what one wishes to be (McLeod, 2008).

Self-image may not always be an accurate portrayal of reality. As McLeod explains, someone who is physically thin and dealing with anorexia may consider themselves to be fat (2008). A person’s self-image is influenced by a multitude of things, including parental influences, friends and the media (McLeod, 2008).

The concept of the looking-glass self, as described by Cooley (1902), explains that “part of how we see ourselves comes from our perception of how others see us” (Stangor, Tarry & Jhangiani, 2014, The Looking-Glass Self section, para. 1).

Self-esteem describes how one feels about themselves, the value they place upon themselves (Mishra, 2016; Vinney, 2018). This can be affected by how distorted one’s self-image is from reality as well as comparisons we make to others and others’ reactions to us (Vinney, 2018). A person’s self-esteem can be high in certain areas whilst simultaneously being low in others (Vinney, 2018).

According to Rogers, a person’s ideal self describes how an individual would most like to be or what one wishes they were really like (1959; “self-concept, n.d.). The ideal self, as Rogers explains it, may not be a goal one can live up to (1959). There is always something one cannot reach, or a new goal added to create one’s ideal self. The ideal self in childhood is often different from one’s ideal self in their teens or late twenties (Mishra, 2016). If there is a significant difference between one’s ideal self and their self-image, this can have a negative effect on someone’s self-esteem (McLeod, 2008; Mishra, 2016; Vinney, 2018).

 

Do you see what I see when we look at me?

In the past few decades there have been numerous researches conducted to find an answer as to why there are so many different versions of oneself. Also how those versions come to existence and how they can be altered has been subject of research and discussion for years. Lewis (1990) came to the conclusion that self-identity involves an awareness of one’s own existence and uniqueness: a sense of ‘I’ (Winstone et al., 2014).

Possible synonyms for self-identity, as provided by Merriam-Webster, include character or personality (“self-identity”, n.d.). However, that only provides us with one aspect of self-identity. Answering the question of ‘what kind of person am I?’ may only link to someone’s personality. Self-identity goes beyond someone’s character or personality (Burke, 1996). According to Woodward (2004), though one may share personality traits with others, sharing an identity suggests at least some active engagement from someone, as we choose to identify with something. Sharing identities with someone or something can provide us with “a sense of recognition and belonging” (Woodward, 2014, p.7). Next to that, being different from others also is part of forming one’s identity (Goffman, 1956; Stryker, 2000; Woodward, 2014). 

This sharing of identities mainly comes into play in the company of others. When in a situation with others, strangers, acquaintances or close friends, one may behave in a certain manner so that it will give an impression to others that is wanted to be conveyed (Goffman, 1956). As Woodward explains, identity provides a connection between individuals and the world they live in (2014; Proshansky, 1978). We present ourselves through everyday interactions, through the way we speak and through the way we dress based on the situation we are in at the time (Stangor, Tarry & Jhangiani, 2014; Woodward, 2014). Research shows that we mark ourselves different from individuals with whom we don’t share an identity, and same as people with whom we do share an identity (Stangor, Tarry & Jhangiani, 2014).

How we see ourselves may not always be in line with how others see us. This sense of conflicting identities may be caused by the fact that we fill different roles simultaneously, for example, that of parent, student, as well as employee (Woodward, 2004).

The roles we fill at the same time are examples of the multiple identities we possess (Woodward, 2004). Turkle concluded that “multiplicity is not viable if it means shifting among personalities that cannot communicate” (1995, as cited in Davis, 2012, p. 638). Turkle argued that in order to obtain a healthy identity one needs to be able “to coordinate the multiple facets of oneself into a coherent whole” (1995, as cited in Davis, 2012, p. 638).

 

This is a man’s world

With today’s abundance of social networking sites, such as Instagram, people are more and more able to actively choose how they present themselves. This gives them the opportunity to portray their ideal self to the rest of the world through their online identity (Solomon, 2016). Even if their ideal self is not an accurate representation, or even slight resemblance, to their actual self. This inaccurate portrayal, however, may have negative consequences. As Davis discovered, “expressing very different personalities in different contexts is somehow inauthentic and may even damage one’s internal sense of self” (2021, p. 643).

Despite the power social media have given women in being able to decide how they are portrayed, Julha found that “societal influences still exert pressure on them by actively leveraging dominant ideologies against them and also through mainstream media that still tend to be sexist” (2019, p.6).

There is a double standard between men and women when it comes to sharing photos online. This goes beyond the online world as someone’s online identity is directly linked to their offline identity. There is a desire to be validated and accepted by one’s peers. To accomplish this, girls tend to conform to what is expected of them by others and society as a whole (Boyd, 2007; Price, 2019). With this comes the risk that girls are no longer true to their real self, but rather try to reshape themselves to fit the boxes they were handed (Julha, 2019).

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Interviews

Look at me, tell me what you see

The first thing asked of both interviewees, Jana (20) and Femmie (25), was to look into a mirror and describe what they saw and felt. Both women found the exercise to be somewhat confronting, having to continuously look at themselves. “I find it very strange to just look at myself this whole time” (F. Veragten, personal communication, May 25, 2021). She was surprised to learn that Jana shared the same sentiment about the event. Jana stated, “I feel a little uncomfortable looking at myself for such a long time” (personal communication, April 30, 2021).

Beyond that similarity, Femmie and Jana didn’t correlate in their answer. Where Jana focused more on the physical features she witnessed, commenting on her forehead wrinkles and her freckles, Femmie immediately described what she saw in herself as a person denoting the fact she considers herself to be a happy but socially awkward girl. Jana also described herself as a happy girl, but mentioned this once she talked about what she thinks others see when they look at her. It is interesting to distinguish this difference between the two women, but also when looking at Jana specifically and her description when talking from her own perspective and those of others.

The fact that both women consider themselves to be happy people who try to see the positive in life as much as possible was reiterated by their close persons. Jana’s mother, Nancy, described her daughter as “a fun girl who is always enthusiastic” (personal communication, May 21, 2021). Also, Julie, one of Femmie’s best friends used similar terms to describe Femmie, “She is very sweet and sensitive” (personal communication, May 31, 2021).

 

Notice you noticing me

"I am someone who is impulsive, who doesn't always think, but just does things" (J. Huysmans, personal communication, April 30, 2021). This thought is shared by her mother, Nancy, "she is sometimes volatile in her actions. She is also impulsive" (personal communication, May 21, 2021).

Although Jana stated that she has never felt she could not be her real self, she also reveals that what you see is not always how she feels. "To the outside world I am someone who is always smiling, even if things aren’t going so well, you won't see that through my appearance" (J. Huysmans, personal communication, April 30, 2021).

Nowadays, Jana isn’t as easily affected by others’ negative opinions. The things that used to be laughed at, she can now appreciate. "I used to have a harder time with that. Now I'm really happy with how I am. I've also been able to really appreciate my hair. Before, I used to straighten it almost every day because I didn't like curls at all. Now I know what to do with it" (J. Huysmans, personal communication, April 30, 2021).

Femmie describes herself as the so-called ‘girl next door’. "A basic person. Sweet, and cheerful, but very shy" (F. Veragten, personal communication, May 25, 2021). Julie, one of Femmie's best friends, also illustrates her as a shy person. What Julie adds to that is that Femmie is also very socially adept, something that Femmie finds herself less in. "She often underestimates herself in that. She needs a push sometimes, to get out of her comfort zone" (J. Van Achter, personal communication, May 31, 2021).

Not many people know the real Femmie. She explains that she can only be her real self once she feels comfortable with people. "I am only really myself when I know people very well and also trust them very well. You can't expect to trust everyone you meet right away. So then you're not immediately yourself either. With people you don't know very well, you always hold back a little. You are never fully yourself" (F. Veragten, personal communication, May 25, 2021).

 

Do it for the ‘gram

Jana is very active on Instagram, posting at least every other day and sharing snippets of her everyday life on her stories on a daily basis. She chooses to share almost every part of her life through social media with those she knows personally but also strangers who only know Jana through Instagram. Though she doesn’t share permanent posts about negative things going on in her life, she does occasionally share those moments in her stories which are deleted after 24 hours. “I try to find a bit of a balance between the positive things and the negative things” (J. Huysmans, personal communication, April 30, 2021). By sharing those negative moments in her stories, Jana feels that her Instagram is a full reflection of her as a person.

Stories shared on Instagram are only visible for 24 hours after which they are permanently deleted and no longer visible on their profile, unless the poster saves the story in their highlights. As Jana explained, by letting those negative parts of her life only be visible temporarily she doesn’t get stuck in them. Furthermore, people looking at her Instagram do not get the chance to scroll back to when she was feeling down or there was something negative going on in her life. This relates back to the fact that Jana herself does not want to continuously go back to the negative memories in her past. Jana does not deny the negative experiences she has, which is why she does share them, but she tries to consider them short-lived and does not want to cling to them. She goes through life with a positive attitude and wants her Instagram to be somewhat of a mirror image of that.

As mentioned earlier, Femmie is almost the polar opposite of Jana. She rarely posts on Instagram and when she does she the photos are of animals or her with animals. Femmie is a veterinarian and that is clearly reflected in her social media posts. Julie also notes that, "it's kind of solely on the surface on social media. You’d only really know the part about her being an animal lover" (personal communication, May 31, 2021).

Though she admits that her Instagram is less of a reflection of her life, she still feels like it is an accurate representation of herself as a person, an avid animal lover. Femmie stated that “my Instagram is actually my dog’s Instagram” (personal communication, May 25, 2021). As Femmie feels a little socially awkward it is not surprising that what she does share on Instagram is almost exclusively (with) animals, something she feels very passionately about.

 

No like for like

Both Femmie and Jana are of the belief that Instagram could possibly have a negative impact on someone’s (self)identity, specifically for girls. “I do think it can give you a certain amount of pressure. Especially now with the evolution of editing and photography making it look really real” (J. Huysmans, personal communication, May 21, 2021). Despite this, neither Femmie nor Jana feels personally affected by the platform in regards to their identity. However, they do recognize that this possibility exists for others, especially girls. “I think girls are more active on social media. I think that does have a bigger impact on girls who are exposed to social media at an early age (J. Huysmans, personal communication, May 21, 2021). Femmie adds that “girls think about it differently when they take a photo to post on their Instagram. You think, ‘I need to put something on’, whereas boys just think ‘fun, a photo’” (personal communication, May 25, 2021).

Being exposed to edited photographs and ‘ideal’ versions of someone on a constant basis can distort the image you may have of someone. “Everything that gets posted to social media has already been through a certain filter, it’s already the best version they can make of it. This can put more pressure on girls to fit into a certain box. You want to match that image, but I think sometimes we forget that it’s not an accurate portrayal of reality” (F. Veragten, personal communication, May 25, 2021). As Jana explains, despite social media providing more exposure to edited versions of people and possibly giving girls and young women a distorted view of reality, this is not something new, “In magazines, those cover photos were always super beautiful without any blemishes or pimples or such” (J. Huysmans, personal communication, May 21, 2021).

 

Future’s past

Jana's ideal self includes some changes to today's Jana. "I am okay with looking at myself in the mirror now, but I would like to pursue my dreams a little more. Now I still hold back hard because of other people's opinions" (J. Huysmans, personal communication, April 30, 2021). As previously observed, self-identity is not a fixed thing. It can continue to change and adapt to your environment and new things you learn and experience in your life. "I have accomplished many things that I wanted to accomplish. I find that every year I learn new things and that I grow in everything that I find just a little bit less about myself." (F. Veragten, personal communication, May 25, 2021).

The ideal self is not something that can be achieved in one day. With every small step you get closer to the image you have in your head of who or how you want to be. So sometimes that can mean that someone has thoughts of change for a long time, but doesn't start working on them until much later. "Those ideas have been playing in my head for a while and I really want to do it, but I just haven't found the step to take it yet" (J. Huysmans, personal communication, April 30, 2021). Femmie also has an ideal self in mind although she is very content with herself today. "I hope to be a little more daring and confident, but if I stay the same as I am now, I wouldn't mind" (F. Veragten, personal communication, May 25, 2021).

 

 

Conclusion

Although Jana and Femmie differ greatly in their use of Instagram, there are also many things the two women have in common. Their ideas about the impact of social media are quite in line with each other. They also both found it quite confronting to look at themselves in the mirror for an extended period of time. It will be interesting to do further research to find out if there is actually no difference between people with high and low social media use or to find out that Femmie and Jana are an exception to the rule.

As evidenced by the research and studies discussed, there is a lot involved in the concept of self-identity. The older you get, and thus often the stronger you stand in your shoes, the less your self-identity will be adjustable from outside forces. Once you know what you want, you are less likely to let outside influences in to distort your image of yourself.

There is certainly an opening for further research and in-depth studies on the formation of one's self-identity and how it is and/or can be changed. The various things that (can) influence one's self-identity, including the use of social media, are also interesting topics for future research. The difference between people and their (formation of their) self-identity are also possible topics. A potential research question for future research could be "how big is the impact of a mental disorder, such as depression or an anxiety disorder for example, on a person's self-identity and how it is formed and adapted?".